tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-80198515401218156222024-03-14T10:45:00.067+00:00Todays the daypsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-8744529573438993232011-12-05T10:21:00.001+00:002011-12-05T10:41:35.408+00:00losing itIt's been a while since I last blogged and there are many reasons for that. It's been a busy and in some ways a hard time but maybe harder than I thought it was. I'd thought that DD1 was doing well. I could see her looking healthier and that she now looked like a human again instead of a human skeleton. I thought that I was helping her. I thought that now it was just a matter of getting her head sorted out and I knew that that was going to take a long time. I never expected her to be cured just because she left the unit and I never expected that I would be the one to cure her. All I ever wanted was to see her get better, to be happy and to find a life for herself that worked for her. Seems that maybe I was hoping too much and expecting too much.<br />
Yesterday was a great big smack round the head for me. I was told that my help wasn't helping. that the food I was serving was too much. That the honesty I ask for is not possible and that my feelings don't matter and shouldn't be shown. I was told by the therapist last week that I have to get things wrong and I have no idea what she means by that. I've been told that it's ok for her to relapse even though relapse suggests to me that DD1 is better and she isn't - not by a long way. I've been told that it's ok for her to eat less even though I can see how dangerous that is. I've been told that being happy means being thin even though she was happiest and had more of a life when she was overweight. I'm not exactly slim myself and now feel that I can't be happy because of that even when I know that isn't true. I've been miserable, I've been depressed, I've been deliriously happy and I've been quietly content and I've been all those things at all different weights. Weight doesn't make you happy and weight doesn't make you depressed so fixing the weight won't fix the problem - why does it seem that it is only me that sees that?<br />
I don't know what to do to help any more. I don't know what use I am as a mother if I can't step in and give a hand when my child is ill. I don't care how old she is or how much she thinks she can do this on her own - I know damn well that when I was ill, I needed support and I got that support and was grateful for it. I know that when my black moods come down on me, I need that support again and I get it and ask for it. If my child had cancer, would she really believe she could get better on her own? If she saw me starving myself would she really say that it's ok for me to try and get better by myself? I don't believe that for a minute and I refuse to believe that. I also refuse to believe that it's ok for her to eat less and I refuse to believe that it's ok for her to relapse now. I'm sorry if that makes everyone think I'm being obstructive and not helping but for once, I'm going to make my beliefs known and I'm going to stand by those beliefs.<br />
Today I'm angry and I'm frustrated. I'm upset and I'm down. I'm tired and I'm confused. I'm all those things that I'm not supposed to feel. I'm not going to apologise for feeling this way and I'm not going to put on the happy face and do the happy dance just to make everyone else feel better. That's the way it is today so, readers - live with it.<br />
<br />psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-46263551516420761332011-11-04T20:54:00.000+00:002011-11-04T20:54:05.361+00:00it's been a whileYes it has. I have to admit, there have been times just recently when I've thought about writing something in my blog and I've put it off. My mood has been quite down lately and I didn't want to write a depressing installment but really I know that's just daft as one of the reasons I started this was to help myself get out of those black moods! So I've not been using the resources I set up for myself and that led to at least one day of really bad black mood and no-one was helped by that, least of all me. So, here I am, back again, trying to ward off those moods and help myself, help DD1 and help my whole family.<br />
So, what has been happening lately? Well, I don't know if you remember but DS2 hurt his little finger a few weeks ago while at a birthday party. I took him to the hospital that day and was told, after 3 hours wait, that it wasn't broken and to strap it up for 3 days. I did that, but we had noticed that it was still a little swollen. I wasn't too worried though as he wasn't complaining of pain and seemed absolutely fine to use the finger - not that you use a little finger that much! So then I get a phone call from the a&e department. Once I'd thought through every member of the family and tried to work out which one was dying, I was relieved to hear that it was just a call back about the finger. Turns out, it is broken after all. That's the problem with allowing untrained staff to look at x-rays I suppose! The doctor asked that I take DS2 back to the a&e department, tell them it was a recall and that they would then do another x-ray and make sure that it was healing ok - seemed simple enough and we had an appointment with the outpatient department the next day because of his asthma so it seemed logical to go round to a&e after that. What the doctor didn't mention was that we would be seen through the same process as every other attendant at a&e. That meant another 3 hour wait. So did they do another x-ray? No. Did they do anything to help fix it? No. Had I really just waited 3 hours to find out what I already knew - that it was broken and there was nothing they could do? Yes. I was furious! Not just because they'd wasted our time and forced a 6 year old to sit around in a&e for 3 hours but because it seemed to me that they'd completely wasted the time of the doctor and all those genuine patients who had to wait longer because we were there. Why? Why? Why???? Would it not have made more sense to book an outpatients appointment and an x-ray and see him then? but of course it would! <br />
I've never been a big critic of the NHS. In fact, I've always supported the system being glad that we don't have to pay for treatment like the US. But now I'm seriously starting to wonder. Maybe the old adage that you get what you pay for is appropriate in this case after all! Because what arrived in the post today but an outpatient appointment! For starters, it could have been booked over the phone when they rang me in the first place. We could have avoided the wait in a&e. We wouldn't have wasted the doctor's time or the other patients and they could have saved the money on the stamp and letter. And we wonder why the NHS is so desperate for money all the time!<br />
In addition to this, DH's mum is still in the hospital as she is unable to manage at home. The question of a care home has been raised and we rather hoped that it would be a simple process. No, of course not - once again the NHS has proved inefficient and inept. A form was filled in and processed without being seen by the family - this is a must according to the form itself. If the family had seen the form, mistakes on it would have been rectified before it was filed but as they didn't, they weren't. This resulted in MIL being turned down for an NHS grant due to not having enough points. What sort of system puts someone in a care home based on points anyway? Every person is individual and has individual needs. Each person should be assessed on their personal circumstances and certainly each person should be assessed by what is actually happening to them and not some false information on a form. For starters, the form claimed that MIL didn't complain of pain - would someone please explain to the NHS that if someone can no longer communicate unless it is with 'yes', 'no' or by repeating the question, that they are unable to say that they are in pain. Secondly, the form said that she was living with her offspring - so someone couldn't take the time to check which box they had ticked and put it right - she doesn't live with her children, she lives with her 83 year old husband who is struggling to cope. Thirdly, the form failed to mention that it now takes three people to get her in and out of bed and that the care package she has in place only provides for one carer four times a day - that doesn't help her get to the toilet as often as she needs, or help get her up in the morning or to bed at night.<br />
So that's twice in the space of a fortnight that we feel we have been badly let down by the NHS. Not to mention the fact that DD1 is in a unit to help people with eating disorders that is so short of funding that it cannot provide the patients with red meat or fresh fruit. I am so tempted right now to write to the prime minister and tell him just what I think of his NHS!<br />
So, what else have I been up to? Hmmm....well the kids had half term last week and we did actually manage some days out and some time together which was really lovely. We spent Monday doing ordinary household chores and getting the shopping done but then on Tuesday we went down to mum's, even though she is still in Australia. The idea was to do some scrapbooking with my sister and sister-in-law and spend some time together with them and that's exactly what we did. We had a really lovely day there and I got a couple more pages done as well as making my name badge for the scrapbook weekend we have coming up. So all in all a productive day. Wednesday I unexpectedly had my nieces to look after as their father had to go and spend his own time in the hospital due to a twisted neck (it has a proper name but I don't remember it!). That pleased DS2 as it gave him someone to play with for the second day in a row. Thursday we headed off to Leeds Castle with a good friend and her two children plus another of DS2's friends from school. The nice thing about the castle is you only have to buy tickets once and they last a year so you can get really good value for money. We had intended to go to the aviary as it will be shutting at some point but, as usual, we didn't get there! We were a little hampered for time and the castle had laid on some events for the children to celebrate halloween so we got a little waylaid! However, a good time was had by all on the whole, even though my friends children were a little on the grumpy side!<br />
Friday we spent quietly at home but that allowed me to get on with a little of the neglected household chores.<br />
Monday DS2 went back to school but DD2 had another week off as her school runs a system whereby they do all their staff development days in the space of a week to prevent them having odd days off all through the year. DD2 took advantage of the extra time off to spend the day with a friend so I had the house to myself and decided to try and get ahead on some of my studies. I managed to get quite a lot done so by the time I picked DS2 up from school we were able to go to a small halloween party and have some fun without me feeling guilty. DS2 had a great time and we headed home with a painted face and lots of extra goodies. Us mums also decided we needed a girls night out, complete with alcohol so plans are in motion - should make for an interesting blog post at some point in the future!!!<br />
Apart from that, I've spent the week babysitting and doing housework so I have been pretty busy - especially with DS2 at home.<br />
Yesterday however, was interesting! DD1 went off in the morning to the unit as usual and DD2 and I went to meet her for our family therapy session a little later. This was the first time that DD2 had been able to attend as the sessions are normally during school hours and it led to something unexpected. The therapist asked us to demonstrate how things are when either DD1 or I are having trouble functioning due to our separate problems of eating disorder and depression. This meant that we spent our session moving in and out of a triangle and what transpired was that when one of us is having a bad time, it can often trigger the other into also having a bad time. What was made clear by this is how often DD2 and the rest of the family are left feeling isolated because of us. While it isn't something that either of us do deliberately, it is definitely something we have to work on as it could end up with the whole family suffering and that is something neither of us want. <br />
As usual, I blamed myself and the guilt kicked in - but that is part of the problem and definitely something I have to work on. It isn't my fault that I suffer from depression but maybe it is my fault when I allow it to consume me to such an extent. I need to find ways to combat it so that my family isn't so badly affected and so that it doesn't cause DD1 to relapse. What the therapist said to that was that it wasn't my job to sort it out on my own, that it is something the whole family needs to work on together but I can't help feeling that when I am in that black mood that it is difficult for anyone to reach in and help me. So I seem to be stuck at the moment, not really knowing what to do about it - any suggestions welcome here! Still, I am going to try and not keep my problems to myself - to try and talk about them and try and ward off those black moods in the first place. This isnt going to be easy as I don't really like putting my problems onto someone else, but maybe that is what I need to do.<br />
Ok, I'm rambling now and just giving you the thoughts going round in my brain so I'm going to leave this for now and come back to it another day, hopefully in a clearer fashion!<br />
Night all xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-79980742422004474382011-10-19T21:55:00.000+01:002011-10-19T21:55:42.965+01:00tough timesIt's been one hell of a week! I always knew that DD1 wasn't going to recover overnight. I always knew the road was going to be a long and tough one. And I always knew that perhaps things weren't going quite as well as she was telling me but I have to admit, I wasn't expecting some of the new developments.<br />
DD1 has been feeling very down lately and that has culminated in some wishes to bring an end to her life. I think that because she now has to eat, that anorexia and bulimia are conspiring to finish her off some other way. For some strange reason, they seem to be trying to convince her that she isn't worthy of life, that she isn't an important person, that she isn't beautiful, intelligent and an all round amazing person so, because I know she'll read this, DD1 - you are all of those things!<br />
On Tuesday, DD1 had breakfast at home with us for the first time in a while and it seemed to go really well. She ate all her food and drank her juice and I was so very proud of her. Unfortunately I then had to leave her on her own for a while because of taking DS2 to school. I've wondered ever since if there was any way that I could have done things differently, managed to be with her for longer, dropped DS2 with a friend perhaps but I suppose I wasn't to know what would happen. After I'd gone, bulimia raised its ugly nasty head and she ended up having a binge and purge session. I know just how disappointed she was with herself and how hard she has been on herself ever since. I'm very proud of her though because she rang me and told me. of course, I already knew. It's fairly easy in this house to see when food has gone missing - its not like we're financially well off so what we have has to be shared amongst all six of us as well as catering to any visitors and OH's two boys. This means that when food goes, we can see it pretty quickly. But still, for her to tell me what happened is a huge step for her as normally she would have lied about it so I can be proud of her for that. <br />
I wish of course, that it hadn't happened but every road to recovery from every addiction, every serious illness has some setbacks and I keep reminding myself that this road is one where you take 3 steps forward and one back. <br />
The bit that's really upset me though is the new urge to self-harm. This is something she has done before but never to the extent that she has this week. (Keep reading DD1!) I think we'd almost got numbed to the eating disorder. I knew that it was an expression of the pain she was in but I'd almost forgotten it in some ways. This was a very obvious sign of her inner pain and that's why it has upset me. I can't bear to see one of my children suffering so much and not be able to help them. If she had a physical illness I could take her to a doctor or a hospital, I could give her medicine, I could give her comforting food and drinks and do my bit to make her better. But this? this is something that scares me. Something I can't do anything about and I so desperately want to. So what do I do? Do I remove all sharp objects from the house? That's not going to work - she'll use her fingernails or find some other way. Do I watch her 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? I can't do that - she's at the unit most of the time and I have the others to look after too. I'm at such a loss as to know how to help her. I feel like I'm forcing her to eat all the time and I feel so cruel but at the same time I know it's the only way to really help her. Part of me wants her at home so I can keep an eye on her, but the other part of me knows that the binge and purge happened when she was home so does that mean I'm not doing my job properly?<br />
I'm feeling lost at the moment. I want to help my daughter and I can't. On top of that we have the worry of MIL who, we have now been told, will probably never walk again. FIL has been offered a carer four times a day but it takes 3 of the nursing staff to get her out of bed so what use is one carer? It is looking more and more likely that she is going to end up in a home and I'm really worried about how FIL will cope. I'm also worried about OH who seems to be getting more and more depressed about his mum. Of course I understand his feelings but again, I want to help and I don't know how. I'm in a complete frustration about what to do for everyone right now and keep my own head above water. <br />
On top of all that, I think I've managed to upset a very good friend by mucking up. I've been taking her daughter home from school two days a week as my friend works and she needed help to get her daughter to the child-minder. I've been so very happy to be able to help and she's been so generous over the past few months with trips out that she's paid for and such good friendship that I'm so very grateful for. So what do I go and do? i arrange for DS2 to go to an after school club on one of the days I pick up her daughter - what an idiot am I! I didn't even think about the fact that it was one of those two days when I filled out the form. It is only for 6 weeks but I now feel incredibly guilty. I just hope we can sort something out, even if it means I pick her daughter up and then go back for DS2. I know I can't let her down like that!<br />
So all in all, guilt, guilt and yet more guilt this week! So here goes, big deep breath - blow out the guilt - damned guilt! The more I re-read this entry, the more I'm telling myself off for feeling guilty over things that I can't help, that aren't my fault and that I can do nothing about. Good old Catholic mother guilt!! :Ppsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-77339030091115954912011-10-11T11:11:00.000+01:002011-10-11T11:11:09.394+01:008 daysYes, it's been eight days but this time it has been purposely. I've decided that the ways things are at the moment, blogging weekly is probably going to work best. That does leave open the chance to blog in between times if need be but as a general rule, weekly is how it will be.<br />
So what has been happening over the past week? DD1 has been doing really well and gave me a really happy moment when she walked into the kitchen one day with the words 'I'm hungry'. that must seem like such a little thing to most people. Something that I've heard parents moan about. Something I've moaned about myself in the past but to hear someone with an eating disorder express hunger is something that gives me a feeling of such joy, such pleasure and such hope. Just to give you a bit of a heads up on this illness if you have no experience of it, hunger is not something that an anorexic feels. They dilute that feeling, turn it into something bad. Have you ever felt so hungry you could eat a horse? I have, and if I'm trying to lose weight, that feeling is so very strong - in that case, often it isn't real hunger, just that I've trained my body to take in food at certain times and so it gives me a signal that it's time to eat. Anorexics do the opposite - they train their bodies not to feel hunger. They learn to ignore those stomach churning moments that we associate with being hungry. Eventually they even stop drinking and ignore those feelings of thirst too. So those two little words meant so very much to me. I could have jumped for joy, I could have sung, I could have shouted out loud - I did none of those things, I just gave her something to eat - treated it as if it was normal, as if I heard those words often from her. Would you believe though, she didn't even realise she'd said it? We talked about it later and she was surprised that those words had come out of her mouth and certainly didn't realise what reaction they'd inspired in me!<br />
DD1 also managed the first real goal of recovery this week and reached her goal weight. As a result, she is now on the maintenance plan which involves her having one less pudding a day, one less slice of toast for breakfast and the goal now is to maintain her weight. The cutting out of food seems a funny thing to do to someone with an eating disorder but I think the idea is for her not to start gaining too much weight and throw her back into the eating disorder. She does seem to be struggling with this idea a little bit and this does worry me a little when it's weigh day today. I have a feeling she will put on a little bit again, partly as a hold-over from the last few weeks but also partly because she is struggling to cut down as much as she should. I hope though that the extra food will help keep that anorexia voice at bay a bit and to be honest, if she does put on a little more, I can only think of that as a good thing. She was so very thin and so very poorly for a while there, that I hate the thought of ever going back to that. So, we'll see just how she gets on today!<br />
MIL hasn't been doing too well. She ended up in the hospital this week because FIL was really struggling one night with getting her out of bed for the toilet. The doctors have stated that they think he isn't coping too well and are thinking that she probably needs to go into a home. We agree with them but that doesn't make the decision any easier for him. We all know just how much she will hate the thought of it. We know it is going to be a real emotional wrench for them both but hopefully this time apart while she is in the hospital will give them both some hope that the idea is the right one and will work out well for both of them. The doctors think that she may have had a urine or kidney infection but they also think she has osteoarthritis in her hips and that is why she is now struggling so much with walking. That one I understand as it is something I have suffered with in a minor way for quite a while now. I know just horrid that pain is and how difficult it is to make your limbs work when every single movement causes pain. it seems that from now on she will be bedbound as her osteo is much worse than mine but at least we now have some explanation for her problems. One good effect of the hospital admission has been that finally, OH's brothers have come to their senses and are now, at last, spending some time with their parents. It has been something that has really annoyed both OH and I over the past few months, that they were leaving the care of their parents to us pretty much all the time. So just to have them come down every week is a real bonus and good for both MIL and FIL and also for the two brothers.<br />
DS2 has been a real joy just lately! He seems to have developed some very funny little ways which have resulted in some laughter from everyone. His latest was when he was watching the grand prix with OH. he turned to OH with great confidence and stated that he was going to be a racing car driver when he grows up. He then asked OH 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' great hilarity at the thought that OH isn't grown up yet at the grand age of 47!!!!<br />
DD2 is also doing well at the moment although she has given me some concern lately. Twice in the recent weeks, she's suffered from some dizziness and faintness, accompanied by a ringing in the ears. We thought at first that she might have an ear infection but she had no pain and seemed to be quite herself very quickly so I ruled that out. I then did a blood sugar test just in case she was suffering low blood sugar, but that came back normal so we ruled that out. We've come to the conclusion at the moment that she is just not drinking enough during the day so I am now making sure she has a bottle of water with her at all times in the hope that that will sort her out.<br />
DS1 seems to have taken a bit much on just lately. He's running around doing his student union work, working in McDonalds, visiting his girlfriend up north, completing his studies and also trying to complete his uni applications. I worry that he is overloading himself and that something is going to suffer down the line somewhere. However, he does seem to thrive on it most of the time and obviously enjoys being a busy person!<br />
My studies have suffered a little, mainly because I'm struggling with my final assignment. The plan was to get on with that today but I'd completely forgotten I have to go to harvest festival this afternoon and watch DS2 perform so I've decided to put that off until tomorrow and use the next three days to really work hard. I'm also now into week 3 of my second course and must catch up on some work for that too or my first assignment will be on top of me before I know it!<br />
So, enough for now and on with the housework!psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-57178467262824151052011-10-02T20:05:00.000+01:002011-10-02T20:05:53.509+01:00What a week!Well, here we go again, yes, I know I haven't blogged all week. Yes I know I'm not very good at this blogging lark! But hey, when you hear about my week, I don't think you'll blame me or be surprised! Monday was a quiet day on the whole, shopping and study but nothing exciting. But in the evening we got a call from FIL to say that he was having trouble getting MIL into bed as she was finding it impossible to walk again. So, after dinner, we headed off down the M20 again to help him out. When we got there, we discovered that what he really wanted was a chat about what to do next, where to go for help and how he was going to cope. It seems that she has been getting him up a lot during the night to help her to the toilet. Now that may be a hold over from the urine infection or it may be that she doesn't really want to go at all, but is having a minor panic every few hours and waking up. Because she gets agitated and starts waving her arms around, she wakes him up and he automatically assumes that she needs the toilet. Due to that, he isn't getting much sleep and as a result, he's absolutely exhausted. We had a long chat with him about what we could do and came up with a solution that involves them having two single beds but we also had a long chat about the obvious long-term solution of a care home. I must admit, I hate the idea and later events mean it is probably never going to happen, but I'm scared stiff that one of these days I'm going to arrive there to find that he's had a heart attack in the middle of helping her to the toilet and the pair of them are in a heap on the floor. He told us that there was a meeting with the admiralty nurse and the social services planned for Thursday at the house so I suggested that I go along and see what they can advise. He's having difficulty taking in what they have to say so it seemed like a good idea. A little more disruption for my week, but what else can I do? They need our help desperately at the moment and it's the least I can do.<br />
Tuesday I spent pottering around, doing washing and ironing and catching up a little on my studies and favourite tv shows. <br />
Wednesday I headed over to FIL's to give them a bit of a hand. While I was there, Mandy from Crossroads turned up. Crossroads is a charitable organisation that provides companionship help for the elderly. It had been suggested that a crossroads volunteer might come in at night and sit with MIL so that FIL could get some sleep. The only problem with that idea is that the crossroads volunteers are not trained carers and so are not allowed to do any lifting or give any physical assistance. FIL wasn't too keen on the idea, so we suggested that she might come in around 8pm and stay for a couple of hours to sit with MIL while FIL had some time to get himself ready for bed, have a shower or even a couple of hours lying down. That seemed to be a small solution and so was agreed upon. Mandy mentioned that she thought a hospital bed might be a good idea for MIL and we also talked about getting a proper commode for her. She said that she would be coming to the planned meeting and I mentioned that I would also be there. So that all seemed good.<br />
All in all, I was looking forward to the meeting as here it seemed, was my chance to get some idea of how the system was working for them and to have an input. After all, I was a carer and I do have some idea of how the system works. I know what they need and I know which of the professionals can get it for them. You can imagine how frustrated I was on Thursday then when the meeting was held in the garden and I was left sitting with MIL. For starters, the meeting was about her and she should have been able to have some input. Secondly, that was the whole point of me being there! Then, when they came in, the admiralty nurse (Jenny) and Mandy left immediately without telling me anything and we were left with Norma, the social services lady.<br />
Norma told MIL the solution they had come up with was for her to go into respite care for two weeks. MIL had been there for a night a couple of weeks ago and hated it. She and FIL have been together for 62 years and have never spent a night apart so can you imagine how upset she was. She howled. The more I tried to calm her down, the more upset she got. She was trying to tell Norma how she felt, but Norma wasn't listening. In fact, she just talked over her. As a result, MIL just got more and more upset and this was upsetting FIL as well. In the end, I put my foot down, turned to MIL and told her that it was ok, that she wasn't going to go, that I promised she could stay at home with FIL. The pair of them were breaking their hearts and that was breaking mine. No way on earth could I send her away from him. Even Norma finally understood that. It wouldn't have worked, he'd just have worried his heart out about her even if she had been ok when she got there and that would have meant he didn't get the sleep he so desperately needs anyway. I was so angry! It seemed to me that Jenny and Mandy had been complete cowards. They knew how this would go and they didn't want to wait and see how she took it. They rushed away knowing it would leave me to deal with the situation and I didn't even know if they were going to get her the hospital bed. I was furious with all three of them for treating MIL like a child and not involving her in the discussion. I was furious that they hadn't thought through the situation and given MIL and FIL a chance to have their say. When I finally managed to speak to OH about it, he immediately got on the phone to Jenny to find out what was going on and only then did we get somewhere.<br />
It has now been decided that she is to have a carer in the morning to help her get up, a carer in the evening to help her to bed and a carer at lunchtime to help FIL out a bit. She is also to have a crossroads companion during the day to help out where needed and/or one at 8pm to help FIL get some rest. She is also to have the hospital bed and we've sorted out a single bed for FIL so they will be ok in the short term at any rate. I just hope FIL uses the help he has in order to get some rest! What will happen in the long term, I don't know but for now this will have to do and I will carry on helping them out where I can.<br />
Friday I went straight from the school run to meet up with my sister and sister-in-law at bluewater. We met in M&S cafe and had a teacake and a cup of tea (for me anyway, the other two had coffee) and were serenaded! Well, I guess the singer was there for everyone's benefit but due to where we were sitting and how loud he was singing, it did feel like a personal concert. Unfortunately he got so loud after a while that we couldn't hear ourselves talking so we left and went for a wander round the shops. I managed to get a cute little outfit and a dinky pair of shoes for a friend's brand new baby boy and gathered some christmas ideas for the kids and myself! It was really nice to spend some adult time with both of them as that isn't something we often get the chance to do. When we meet up at mums we always have the children with us and, as much as I adore all of them, it does mean that conversation is usually interrupted quite a bit!<br />
Friday evening, I collected DD1 who was coming to stay for the weekend. this is a big step for her as it means two nights at home this time and will hopefully prepare her for changing to intensive day patient next week. I think she is probably as nervous about it as I am, in fact, probably a great deal more so! I just hope she is ready and doesn't end up going backwards again. I really hope that I can help her. I hope that this really is the road to recovery.<br />
Saturday was, to say the lest, hectic! We started off by taking DS2 to football practice. He really loves it but yesterday was sooo hot!! The weather might be a little unseasonable, but very enjoyable all the same. having left there, we rushed home so OH could take me off for my scrapbooking day. Unfortunately, I was late because of the football and the lack of babysitters so I didn't have as much time as I'd have liked but never mind, I enjoyed myself anyway! After the scrapbooking, I popped home and had a quick chat with DD1 and promised her that we would go for a walk later to make up for me not having that much time with her. Unfortunately that plan went somewhat awry! DS2 had been at a birthday party and when I arrived to pick him up I was greeted with the news that he'd had a little accident. Coming down a slide, he'd seen a little boy at the bottom and in trying to slow himself down had bent his finger backwards. At first they'd thought it wasn't that bad as he'd run back off to play but by the time I got there, it was blackening with bruising and nastily swollen - I had a fear that it might be broken. So, having run home to grab my purse, we headed off to the hospital to get it checked out. He had his x-ray almost immediately but then we waited....and waited....and waited for 3 hours. I know that you can never know what's going on behind the scenes and I know that the place was packed but honestly, 3 hours?! Finally we were seen and told that it wasn't fractured just badly bruised and swollen..go figure! So he's now got two fingers strapped together and will have to keep them like that for 3 days but then he'll probably be ok. Unfortunately by the time I'd got home and had dinner it was a bit late for a walk with DD1 but as that had been guessed, OH had come to the rescue and taken her out with him. I'm actually almost glad as the pair of them had the chance to have a really good chat and find some stuff out about each other which is a really good thing!<br />
One of the things that worried me when I first moved in with OH, was how he would get on with the older two of my children. I knew that with DS2's age, they would have many years to get to know each other and become friends. I knew that DD2 was so shy that it would take some time but they have got to be really good friends, helped along by their journey every morning to work and school together. But the older two are already grown-ups and the relationship was bound to be very different. They had to accept him as my partner and forge an adult relationship with him and it was bound to have a difficult side now and then. Especially in the case of DS1 as his relationship with me was quite difficult anyway at the time. I've been so lucky in that both of them have been prepared to give OH a chance and to try and accept him for my sake and, I think, they both have gone further than that and now like him for his own sake and want to be friends with him because he is who he is. I'm a very lucky woman to have the family I have!<br />
Today isn't quite over yet, so I'm going to leave this here and hope...yet again!....for a quieter week where I can catch up on those studies, start my final assignment and start the new course!<br />
night all xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-51032411804607496522011-09-25T22:20:00.000+01:002011-09-25T22:20:21.880+01:00oops!Wow! I can't believe it's been almost a week since I last wrote in my blog! I apologise to regular readers for neglecting you! I think the problem is that when it's a quiet day, I don't think its worth blogging about and then when I do get something to blog, the days get busy and I struggle to find the time! So here goes with a weeks worth :)<br />
So, Monday... I was a little concerned about falling into a depressive state following the departure of Mum and Dad, so I decided a little me time was in order and went for a round of golf, by myself. To give you the history, the golf started when OH took me to the driving range one day and I discovered that, contrary to belief, I could actually hit the tiny little white ball with the big stick! That was about 18 months ago and since then, I've become, if not quite as fanatical as OH, at least interested enough to want to improve my game and enjoy the sport while getting a halfway decent score. I've improved beyond measure since those first days when I couldn't score less than 8 or 9 on a par 3 hole, I now manage the odd par now and then and rarely more than a 5 but I still find the longer holes more difficult. One of the benefits of learning to play was the day I managed to surprise my Dad. We hadn't mentioned my interest to him and then one day, I joined him on the full 18 course at Upchurch. To say he was shocked was putting it mildly, especially when my first drive off the tee was the best of the four of us (that's me, Dad, OH and my brother-in-law)! As a result, over the last few months I've been able to spend some quality time with my Dad which has really meant a lot to me and I've been able to improve my game. Another benefit is the weight loss that goes with it. While being very aware that too much exercise is just as bad as not enough, I have struggled with it in the past. I'm not one for aerobic type exercise anyway and since I developed osteoarthritis, that has been pretty much out of the question anyway. Swimming is good and something I can (sort of) do but the idea of putting on a swimming costume and revealing my body to complete strangers and paying for it, seemed not great. Walking is also good, but to be honest, pretty boring unless you have somewhere you can go and sing at the top of your voice without upsetting people or if you can read a good book while walking - not so easy! A lot of exercise options also seem to cost a fair bit and finances are dodgy so joining a gym is definitely out of the question but the main reason for taking up golf was to have something I could do with OH and my Dad and if the benefit is the weight loss, then I think I'll just stick with that!<br />
Tuesday then...hmmm, well, I'll skip past weightwatchers this week because nothing much changed and I didn't stay for the meeting so that's that really! I headed out to the shops to get OH some birthday pressies as he turned 47 on Thursday. I managed to get him four pairs of trousers which was what he'd asked for and a surprise present of 'The Hurt Locker' on blueray so I was pleased with my purchases. But just a little grumble here, what kind of birthday card do you buy the man in your life from your kids? He isn't their dad, so any with Father or Dad on weren't appropriate. DS2 is a little young to be sending him rude cards so that wasn't going to work. And to be honest, all the other cards seemed a little impersonal. With family life being so very different these days and abnormal families like ours becoming more the norm, it seems to me there is a market for birthday cards that say you're special and we appreciate you, without having Dad on them (or Mum for that matter). How about a card for 'as close to a Dad as we can get' or 'because you're like a Dad to us'? Not quite sure what you'd put on a card for someone your mum was with but that you didn't like but then I guess you wouldn't buy him a card anyway! I couldn't even find any for 'Stepdad' which would have done the job even if not strictly speaking accurate. I did ask the staff if they had any and they said no and what was more, they probably wouldn't be getting any for Christmas either. Apparently the card company they use say there's no call for them! I find that difficult to believe!!<br />
Tuesday evening OH and I went to visit DD1. I was expecting to find her anxious, low and down as I knew Monday had been a difficult day for her and Tuesday being weigh-day always will be a little tough. But, as it happened, she was in a good mood! She had been weighed but she was ok with the results. Turned out the staff weren't quite so happy! She did mention something about not having wanted to get up the day before but as we all have days like that occasionally I didn't take much notice. I should have done as it turned out later on that it was a little worse than that but more of that later. All in all, I went home feeling ok about her so that was good.<br />
Wednesday I spent with the in-laws. The original idea was to help take mum-in-law for her diabetes test but that was no longer necessary. She'd developed a urine infection at the weekend and with all the kerfuffle over that, the nurse had done the diabetes test then. However, father-in-law asked that I come over anyway, as much for company as anything else really although I try and make myself useful while I'm there. so this time, I dusted, polished and hoovered upstairs and sewed a button on. Not much is it! I often come away feeling guilty as I feel I ought to be doing more but also slightly irritated that father-in-law won't let me! He always gives me petrol money, but much more than necessary and that makes me feel like a fraud in a lot of ways. So, I do what I can for mum-in-law to try and make up for it and also make sure that anything he asks me to get for them, I get - this week it's boxer shorts! While I was there, the admiral nurse, Jenny arrived and I was pleased to finally meet her. She's a very forceful, kind lady who makes a real effort with mum-in-law to make sure that she's comfortable, happy and has everything she needs. Neither she or I were happy about Mum-in-law as she still seemed to be in a fair bit of pain and still quite distressed about needing the toilet. between us we managed to convince FIL to give her lots to drink and flush the infection out, both of us agreeing that it was the best way to deal with it. But Jenny was able to do the one thing I couldn't and that was contact the doctor and get her some stronger antibiotics. Let's hope they do the job!<br />
After leaving the in-laws, I headed back to the unit for DD1's review. This was where I learned that the staff weren't happy about her weight - they were worried that she was binging and purging again and asked her about it. I could see the concern on her face, had she? She denied it, saying that she hadn't had any money until the day before so hadn't been able to buy any extra food. She also stated that she hadn't binged and purged at the weekend while she was at home. It was obvious to me and, I hope, to the staff that she was telling the truth but I was concerned that they might not believe her. The trouble with someone with an eating disorder is that they have learned to lie rather too well and I think they may need a little more convincing before they completely trust what she's saying. I must admit, that for a moment it crossed my mind but I can honestly say that the one time she was out of my sight at the weekend she was only gone for about 10 seconds and couldn't possibly have binged and purged that quickly. I have to trust her now, I have to give her a reason to be telling the truth and if I always think she's lying what incentive does she have?<br />
One thing she did mention was that that morning and the day before, not only had she not wanted to get up, but she didn't really want to exist at all. I was shocked as she hadn't really said that to me the day before and my concern must have showed as the family therapist asked me how I felt about that. I said that it made me sad but that I hoped the anti-depressants would help her come to terms with the depressive side of the disease but also that I wished she had told me before as I might have been able to help. That's what mothers do isn't it? When asked why she hadn't told me or a member of staff how she was feeling, she said that she didn't like to bother people and I then pointed out that the staff were there to be bothered and that I would rather be bothered than have to find out too late when I could do little for her.Hopefully she's taken that on board! We have also finally got a date to begin family therapy which will really help. I really like the therapist we will be seeing and I hope that he can help me deal with how her illness makes me feel. I do still feel partially responsible for it even while I know it isn't my fault.<br />
Wednesday evening, I had my final tutorial for my psychology course. It is quite sad that this is the final one but then it's only the final one for this module and there are many more ahead of me. The likelihood of meeting some of the same people in future classes is there of course and I hope that at some stage I will have the same tutor as she has been very helpful and quite lovely. I can't remember if I mentioned that I got my score for my second assignment and passed it! Well, I did and had an average of 73% for the two which was great as I only needed 40% to pass them. now I only have the ICMA (online quiz) and the final assignment to do to pass the module so fingers crossed I will!<br />
Thursday was spent catching up on the ironing and washing and making a cheesecake for our meal on Friday night so a not very exciting day unless you count the licking out of the cheesecake mix! Oh, and of course, it was OH's birthday so we had present opening in the morning. I had planned to take him for a round of golf in the afternoon but that idea came to nothing as he had to work late - seems a little unfair on his birthday!<br />
Friday we had plans to celebrate OH's birthday with good friends of ours. As money is tight, we had decided that we would cook a three course meal and they would bring a bottle of wine. So I spent Friday morning catching up on the housework and making French onion soup for the starter. With pudding already done and now the starter too, I could relax as OH was doing the main course - Chicken, Leek and Bacon in a creamy tarragon sauce. We had a lovely meal, really good food, really good conversation and we all decided we should do it again soon. I think they enjoyed the food anway, at least I hope so!<br />
Saturday was a quiet day although we had DD1 home for the day and a night! I went and collected her after breakfast and she was nervous but ok. A day at home might seem like nothing to you, but when you have been spending your life in an institution for 3 weeks, it's quite the nerve-racking experience. She did really really well though and managed all her snacks and all her meals with no problems. It's so wonderful to have her sit with us for a meal and give every appearance of enjoying her food. She cleared her plate without purging afterwards or chewing and spitting her food into a tissue and that's something I haven't seen her do for three years. She had given me a book to read, lent to her by a friend in the unit and I had been reading it - still am. The book is called 'Brave Girl Eating' and is by Heather Brown and even though I haven't finished it yet, I can tell you that this book is a must read for all mother's with a child with an eating disorder. The story is heart-breakingly like ours except that Kitty never suffered the abuse that DD1 did and is much more open about her eating disorder from the very beginning. The family therapy that Heather decides is the best option for her daughter is not available in America so she decided to do it on her own. that is one brave mother! I can't imagine how she found the strength to ignore all her daughter's pleas, ignore the demon that is anorexia and get her child to eat without some outside help. I know just how difficult this disease is even with help and I just pray that I can gain some of Heather's strength to help DD1 when she finally comes home for good. The only thing I can offer her right now is unconditional love and a promise to try and do the right thing for her. I am going to take some of Heather's advice though! The one thing she seems to feel is most important is that the family eats together and I noticed yesterday that DD1 did much better when she was distracted. I tried to make sure that even snack time was something we shared, even if that meant I ate more than I should. It's important to DD1 that food doesn't become something she only does on her own, but that eating is a normal family event, something we do not just for fuel but also a time to talk over our day, discuss anything that interests us and really spend some family time together.<br />
I must admit, I was concerned and scared when we went to bed. I worried how DD1 would cope with a night where she wasn't monitored, where no-one was checking that she wasn't sneeking food up to her room, where the kitchen is open, not locked, where she has freedom to go up and down when she likes and where her bedroom is next to the toilet so she can access it without anyone knowing. It seems however, that my fears were groundless, as far as I know she stayed in her room she didn't binge, she didn't purge and she did well! I am so very very proud of her because I know just how difficult that must have been. Old habits die hard.<br />
We discussed so much that might help her too. We talked about taking anorexia out of her room, getting rid of all the things that she kept in there to facilitate her eating disorder - food bags, toothbrushes, tissue, laxatives, vitamins etc.... If you ever find these things in your daughter's room and she's losing weight fast - get her to a doctor immediately and don't take no for an answer - no matter what you want to think, those are clear signs of an eating disorder. We discussed her body image and I suggested she look at her body in small parts, not as one big thing in the same way that she deals with a day an hour at a time. I asked her if she thought her fingers were fat and she didn't. I asked her if she thought her hands were fat and she didn't. I asked her if she thought her wrists were fat and she didn't. So then I asked her how, if these parts of her weren't fat, how could the rest of her be? What I hadn't known at that point is that feeling bloated is a common side-effect of the re-feeding programme she is on or I could have told her that. the one thing she definitely isn't is fat!<br />
Well, this has been a long entry and my wrists are aching, my fingers are going numb and even my shoulders are complaining so I will end this here for today and try and get back to you all sooner!psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-11927546428227319932011-09-19T22:27:00.000+01:002011-09-19T22:27:04.993+01:00Weekend over!Well, it's been 3 days again but on this occasion I'm forgiving myself! It's been 3 days of non-stop, here, there, everywhere and back again starting with a Friday of baking and housework and finishing with an emotional moment wishing goodbye to mum and dad as they head off to Australia for seven weeks.<br />
So to begin, Friday morning started not quite as normal as it was DS1's 19th birthday. I'd bought him a new i-pod dock and a shirt which he assures me he likes! It was really funny to see my young man so excited about his birthday but really nice too after the events of the last couple of years! Then it was on with the hectic hour and a half before I get them all off to work and school - all you mums will know exactly what I mean, you get up, run around like a lunatic and get packed lunches done, feed them all breakfast, make sure they've got the correct clothing on or, in the case of DS2, any clothing at all really, shoo them out of the door or get in the car and fight the traffic to make sure they arrive where they're supposed to be at the time they're supposed to be there. Once that's done, you go home and start with all the little things that they don't even realise you do while they're out of the house! On this occasion, I had a cake to decorate, a cake to bake and fairy cakes to make as well as clean the bathroom, dust and polish and generally put things away in preparation for the big birthday bash on Saturday. The cake was quite an achievement in the end! I managed to spread on the buttercream and lay on the icing without too much of an incident - no cracks, no tears and no major lumps and bumps - if you know me at all, you know just how pleased I am about that! Then came time to place the race track on so I pulled off a lump of icing and attempted to add black food colouring, mushing it around in my hands, stirring it, doing everything I could think of to try and get the icing to turn black. Result? A greyish mush and black hands!! Hmm....think again....got it! I cut out the shape of a road and layed it on the cake then rooted around for a clean paintbrush and painted the road - success!!! I layed on strips of white icing to represent the lanes, then added white squares to show the end of the track. I then painted the white expanses of cake with green colouring to make it look like grass, added 3 coloured squares of paper on cocktail sticks to make flags and placed on three cars from the disney film cars 2 - one finished cake!<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUi1vv1Rzc8aLj4ZlnkzizhuyIlQdfPLm0qMil-fGaelnZHDuZidQ7WFxUO2-4lOFlu_x6sjNiZq2Se5A9QWltKPiSVNXIlPpkrPu8xL5OvTC468PbvULUGcGl7BrC5VN0UWTB3jIzRPe/s1600/DSC00107.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgTUi1vv1Rzc8aLj4ZlnkzizhuyIlQdfPLm0qMil-fGaelnZHDuZidQ7WFxUO2-4lOFlu_x6sjNiZq2Se5A9QWltKPiSVNXIlPpkrPu8xL5OvTC468PbvULUGcGl7BrC5VN0UWTB3jIzRPe/s320/DSC00107.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
I must admit, I'm pretty darn proud of it! DS2 loved it too, which is the main thing of course!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Next thing I made was a lemon drizzle cake, always a favourite and one I'm really confident with but this one was just for the adults at the party. I also made a second batch of fairy cakes as well as doing all the housework I needed to do. I was relieved to get it all done but was slightly worried by the fact that of our two vacuum cleaners, neither one was operable! Still, that was a small problem and easily overcome thanks to a really lovely neighbour. I must admit, there was one part of the day I could have done without! DS2 arrived home from school with homework, spellings, a new book to read and Peter the Penguin! Every class in his school is named after an animal and his class is Penguins. each class has a toy mascot and each child in the class gets to take the toy home for the weekend. This also involves writing a diary for the mascot, detailing what he's been up to. In previous years, that has meant me writing it but this year, I felt that it was important that DS2 did the writing. With a child tired from a heavy week at school, that was definitely going to be an issue!!!! Thanks very much to his teacher who obviously decided that it was a great weekend for him to have Peter!! That evening, we had been invited out by OH's boss for a chinese buffet meal. It's a restaurant we've been to several times and have always enjoyed and, lets face it, when the boss invites you out, you don't say no! Especially when he's paying ;) the idea was to celebrate 10 years of business and two birthdays so was quite the occasion. The bosses whole family was coming as well as all ours so it was a big table and we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves, playing musical chairs around the table so we could all chat was good fun.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
by the end of the evening however, I was absolutely shattered and really not looking forward to the Saturday I had in store! I knew it was going to be another busy day with added stress but I resolved to just get on with it and enjoy the children's fun with them!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So, the morning dawned and we set off for football training. DS2 absolutely loves this but is often worn out after the first hour, partly a reaction to a week of school I think, but also partly due to his poor wheezy lungs. He does seem to struggle with the hour and a half session and as a result, never does well in the match at the end. Still, we wouldn't give it up for the world and I certainly had a good time! A good friend and I had a bit of a major moaning session about men and their unthinking ways!! Don't you just love a good old-fashioned moan?! We then went home and it was back to the stove and the cooking. I'd pretty much prepared the table and tidied the living room ready for the influx, but needed to cook two pizzas, a bag of sausage rolls and two batches of garlic bread as well as make a hundred sandwiches so I was going to be busy. So there I was with one pizza done, one in the oven along with the sausage rolls and the garlic bread waiting on the side. I'd done the sandwiches and made lunch for the kids and myself when the phone rings. OH calling to tell me that he was on his way home and wondering what was for lunch! Well that was somewhat annoying to begin with, after all, he's 46 not 4!!!! Sighing inwardly, I asked him what he wanted for lunch - his suggestion? An omelette. Really????? Did it not occur to him that I might just be slightly busy?! Typical man! I explained in words of one syllable and made him a cheese and pickle sandwich, begrudgingly. Still, I ought to know what to expect by now and I do love him really.</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
So 3pm arrives and along with it, 11 children plus parents. Not quite all the parents though as one mother dropped her child at the door and didn't come in. Now I don't mind much as there were a lot of people here, but I hadn't answered the door, DD2 had and she is only 13. Would you leave your 5 year old with an unknown teenager?! I must admit to being somewhat flabbergasted but maybe that's the in thing these days. Maybe it isn't done to stay with your child past the age of 2 and no-one told me. Hmm, not my style of mothering I must say!</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
The party went really well! The kids all seemed to enjoy themselves and they loved the games, they all joined in, we had no tears, no tantrums and no bad behaviour - well not that I saw anyway! I ran around with them playing pin the tail on the donkey and they were in fits of giggles (my niece cheated and still won!). We had a display of twirling from one young guest, a very self-possessed young lady and two of the little boys were highly amused that DS1 has a girlfriend so all in all, a good day. </div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
Sunday was somewhat quieter, even though there was yet more baking involved as I had promised mum I'd make a pudding for the sunday lunch. I cooked a melted chocolate pudding which I've done before, is easy and will travel without mishap and it went down a treat so that was ok. We set off first of all though to go to Toys'r'us to change one of DS2's birthday pressies and spend some of his money. We arrived at around 10.15am which I thought would work nicely only to find it doesn't open until 10.45 on a Sunday! Lord alone knows why! but, as we didn't fancy sitting in the car park for half an hour, we headed off to pick up DD1. She was coming to mum and dads with us to spend the day and have a family roast dinner with us. She was very nervous about the occasion as it was to be a meal that wasn't calorie counted, wasn't measured to precise levels and was much less controlled than she's been used to in the unit. I asked her how she wanted to cope with it and we came up with a plan where I served her meal up for her and she did her best to eat it. She did really really well! She ate most of her food and left only a small amount of meat and a potato. She didn't throw any of it up and she didn't hide any about her person. I was so very very proud of her! I know just how difficult that was for her and I know that when I pushed her just a tiny bit to try a little more, she did that too but still knew where her stopping point was. she also managed to have a small desert and ate all of that too. She also had her snack at tea-time, although she avoided the birthday cake we had for DS1. She had a small piece of my lemon drizzle cake and seemed to not only eat it, but also enjoy it so that was great. Then it was time to take her back and we are now looking forward to an overnight stay next week maybe. After that, we headed back to toys'r'us and found we had 3 minutes before the store closed!!!! What rubbish sunday opening times they have!!! Still, it was just enough time to change the toy and get another one and it left him with a little more money to spend another day so he was happy, I was happy and we were able to go home where I could finally relax. I was a little bit down and a little bit emotional as I was really very tired after the long week I'd had and I was also a little bit down about mum and dad heading off to Australia. (I'm safe to write this now because they've left and worrying about me now will do them no good whatsoever :P!) The last thing I wanted was for them to worry about going because of me. I certainly didn't want them to change their plans. I know they will worry all the same, I know that mum feels their timing could have been better but, just in case she's reading this, mum, I'll be fine. I may have some down days. I may have some black moods, but at the end of the seven weeks, I'll be here and I'll be happy. That's the main thing, I am happy - most of the time. The depression has hit harder lately, but then the strain has been harder lately. But this time around, I have a rock, I have someone to cling to, someone who will hold me, look after me and keep me safe. I have friends I can rely on, friends I can trust and friends who will help if I need it. I have a family who is a bit more understanding than in previous times, I have a family who love me and I believe in, I have a family who, no matter how far away they are, care deeply for me. With all of that, who couldn't be happy?</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
And on that note, goodbye for now x</div>
<br />psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-1733783686771889952011-09-14T22:25:00.000+01:002011-09-14T22:26:33.364+01:00Quiet time???Once again, it's been a few days since I last posted and I apologise to regular readers - do I have those?! Life used to be this thing that I lived through while doing pretty much as little as possible. These last two weeks have been so jam packed that I have barely had time to post on twitter, let alone here but I'm here now, at 9.55pm on a Wednesday having done my study as promised - to myself!<br />
So where did I finish last time .... rereads last blog....hmm Monday, so what did I actually do on Monday? Well, when I think back nothing much! sounds daft then that I didn't blog that day but in actual fact, I did - I just blogged Sunday's news and there didn't seem much point in blogging on Tuesday that I hadn't done much on Monday!!! Ok, now that you've re-read that three times, did it make any sense?<br />
Tuesday I had time to go shopping for all the party food for DS2's birthday party which is on Saturday, horrified to find that I'd spent more for those two hours than I'd spent on a week's shopping! But that's the way it goes I guess. Having done that, I headed to weightwatchers where, joy of joys, I managed to have lost 2lb! The weight loss has been more of a maintenance plan of late, not really tracking what I eat and just cutting down more than anything but I had managed some golf and that must have helped so that even the two bits of chocolate cake I had for a good friend's birthday hadn't made me put weight on. I was really pleased with that and am now just hoping to have good news next Tuesday as well. It seems that I have been trying to get to that 3.5 stone loss for such a long time now and I'm still struggling a bit with my binge eating head. Ah well, just keep trying girl is what I keep telling myself and each day I get up determined so that even if it doesn't last, I have good intentions! When I got home and put the shopping away, I decided to try and get as much of the ironing done as possible before mum and dad and little niece turned up for their visit. My sister was working and my brother-in-law had to attend a funeral so Mum and Dad were looking after her for the afternoon. I got most of it done, although I now have another pile to do once I've done the washing tomorrow! I confess that while I hate the aching back and the painful feet I get after a pile of ironing, the satisfaction of all those neat tidy, clean and creaseless clothes is very nice! We had a lovely afternoon but really I should have just let them get on with it while I got some study done, but I'm just not made that way!<br />
Today, I've spent the day with my in-laws. I call them that, even though OH and I aren't married yet. In my heart and mind, we are so to me, they are my in-laws and I love them dearly. I first met them some time ago and they are such lovely people. Unfortunately, in the last two years, mum-in-law has gradually succumbed to alzheimers and is now deteriorating at a fast rate and nowadays it is quite impossible to have a conversation with her. This disease is truly horrible and it is destroying a wonderful, kind, gentle woman into a child with limited understanding. she repeats what you say to her in an effort to try and understand but can rarely reply with anything requiring more than a yes or no answer. She now has carers to look after her personal needs but they can only come twice a day and more often than not are either late or don't turn up at all. Dad-in-law is in his eighties and is somewhat fragile himself and looking after her is putting a real strain on him. He is a very independant man and can't bear asking for help unless he's desperate with one exception, for all the little things he asks me and OH. OH is the youngest of four brothers and the only one who lives near them. The two eldest live in Suffolk and are about as much use as a chocolate teapot! His other brother, Robin, died some years ago from diabetes and the whole family miss him very much. Mum-in-law often gets upset over something she has seen on the TV and it nearly always relates back to Robin. I suppose that is one advantage of alzheimers, she now feels able to express feelings that perhaps she has bottled up over the years and she certainly hasn't forgotten her son.<br />
Unfortunately, with all the problems with my daughter, the strain of mum-in-law's illness is beginning to have an effect on us too. We do what we can, but we both often feel guilty that we can't do more. One of the problems is that when we are asked to help it is often something trivial that you cannot help feeling Dad-in-law is more than capable of doing himself. My feeling is that he will often ask for my help in order to have me come and visit, I'd sometimes rather he just said, please come visit! I don't mind helping them out in the least, despite the fact that this may sound like I'm moaning, but I am concerned about how he will cope when she's gone. She's been his life and soul for so very long, that I worry how he will manage to live without her. In all the most important senses, she's pretty much gone already but the slowness and destructiveness of this disease is proving very difficult for him. OH gets frustrated, not with his mum and dad, but with his brothers. He feels that as they are only 2 hours away by car and they both drive, they could do more to help out instead of always leaving it to us. Again, he is happy to do anything he can for them and loves them dearly, but a little help now and then would be appreciated! He gets particularly annoyed with the eldest brother who has no children to care for, is often blessed with free time and can afford expensive holidays and treats that we can't. I can understand his annoyance! Families aren't always the blessing they ought to be are they! <br />
All of this makes me appreciate my own family so much more. No matter what we go through, we always band together and support each other and I have no doubt that if it was my mum in the same situation, my sister and sister-in-law would both do their upmost to help out and not leave the whole thing to me.<br />
Anyway, having spent most of the day there, I had to go to DS2's school for a 'meet the teacher' session. It was really nice to hear about how they spend their days now they are in year one and it is always great to have that time with the teacher. However, despite my newly busy lifestyle, I found myself volunteering to be a parent helper for one afternoon a week! Am I mad I hear you ask? I think I may be, temporarily so!! However, this is something I have wanted to do for a long time but never been able to due to always having younger children around or working or various other reasons so for once, I want to be that sort of mum and enjoy spending some time with my child in the classroom. I also have a very selfish reason - every day I ask DS2 what he did at school that day and every day he tells me 'it's a secret'!!! What else is a mum to do in that situation?!<br />
I've also agreed to be nominated to be a parent governer and have the support of a couple of the mums which is really nice. I don't know if I really have the qualifications, the experience or the know-how but I am going to go for it and try and get involved with the school in that way too. I have been a part of the parent's forum for a year, so I have a good inkling of how the school works. I've also been a parent for quite some time now so that ought to give me some experience! They also give you training so why not?! Fingers crossed I'm not taking too much on though - it does worry me that perhaps I'm trying to keep myself too busy?<br />
My materials arrived yesterday for the next part of my degree which begins in October. I've been doing my intro to Psychology which is a level one course for my psychology degree and the next part is an intro to the social sciences. The course is still a level one but counts for double the points and as a result the materials are much more and there are double the amount of assignments to do. As a result of this minor shock to the system, I decided I needed to not only get up to date on my current course, but, if possible, get ahead a little as well. So for the next two months, I will be studying - a lot. The two courses overlap by a month which means the beginning of one will coincide with the final assignment and the online test that give me my final grade. (still awaiting the result of my second assignment btw). So tonight, I've finished the work I needed to do for this week and over the next few days I hope to start on next weeks. Having said that, I have a long list of preparations to make for the party on Saturday including housework, cake making, cake decorating, cooking, baking and more. Excuse me while I just pretend the next two days aren't going to happen!! Added to that, I have to organise the games for the children, think of things they can do inside and out so I'm prepared for all weathers and find out final numbers. And this is the woman who wants to take an afternoon out to go to school with 6 year olds?!<br />
Yes, I'm bonkers, insane, mad, stupid and perhaps senile too!!!!psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-54659898039360105592011-09-11T18:53:00.000+01:002011-09-11T18:53:50.071+01:00A visit homeYesterday was a day that I had planned to get some study done, even with the kids around. It should have been easy because OH was off to play golf and the kids next door were around to play with my youngest two. However, for very good reasons, it didn't work out like that!<br />
DD1 came home for a visit :) I picked her up at about half one and we set off home, both feeling a little naughty - as if I'd broken her out of prison for a while but it was completely in the plan and we had both been looking forward to it. I wanted her to feel that the day was a normal one at home so I didn't plan anything special, just a bit of TV and some chat as normal on a Saturday and that's exactly what we did. The food plan involves not just three meals but also three snacks which she has been gradually working up to. She is now having the entire plan and so one of her snack times coincided with her time at home. So at 3pm we organised her cup of malted milk drink and a custard cream. To anyone with no experience of an eating disorder, that probably seems such a small thing - a drink and a biscuit - common fodder for elevenses or an afternoon snack, but to her it's quite a big thing as before she entered the unit she was only eating two tiny meals a day. I was so proud of her for managing to eat her biscuit and drink all her malted milk and to be able to do it at home without any medical supervision. She did brilliantly! I really enjoyed having her home for a while and it felt just like any Saturday with my kids and that was exactly what I was aiming for. Now she'll be able to have her whole day home next weekend to celebrate her brother's birthday and a family meal at mum and dads and I am beginning to think she will be able to cope with it. So really good news today! When I took her back to the unit we were both quiet but it didn't seem as bad as when I'd dropped her off there the first day. We were able to cope with it knowing that we now have a discharge date for her and that she is doing so much better already. She will be discharged on November 9th no matter what her BMI and that is really good news. In one way of course it worries me, what if she hasn't put on any weight? I know that logically as long as she keeps eating and doesn't purge, she will put on weight and will be in a much better position mentally to cope with it, but I still worry. After all, she has lied to me for so many years that it is still difficult to trust her when she says she hasn't purged at all in the last weeks but I am going to try my hardest to trust her and to give her the support she needs. The one thing she has to learn is to be honest and to ask for help when she needs it and she certainly seems to be trying to do that. I have to learn to trust her again and be prepared for good times and bad. I know that an eating disorder is much like an addiction, that it never really goes for good and that there is a risk of relapse at any time. I think we have to put in some strategies for making sure that she can ask for help even if she hasn't relapsed for a few years. I'm hoping that the skills training I have been offered by the unit will help with that and give me the strength to support her when I'm needed. I also hope that we will get the family therapy we need and that will enable us to tell each other how we feel without having a humungous row about it. I fully believe that only if we as a family are all honest with each other can we expect the same honesty from DD1.<br />
It sometimes can be overwhelming to think about all the mental illness caused in this family and it is often tempting to put it all down to the sexual abuse inflicted on DD1 by her father. Sometimes it is important to remember that mental illness is a danger to everyone and that we have been very lucky in the medical support we have had to help us through it. The other thing I think I want most is for people to remember that there, but for the grace of God, go they. Mental illness is an illness like any other and there should be no stigma attached to it. People who have suffered depression should not be treated like lepers. People who have had an eating disorder should have the same opportunities as others. Schizophrenics, those with bipolar, no-one should be discriminated against because they have a mental illness. Only when this sort of discrimination is stamped out will we really be able to tackle these illnesses. I have often been told that you shouldn't disclose that you have suffered depression when applying for a job as it will count against you - this is so wrong! Just because I have suffered depression does not mean I will again and it does not mean that I am incapable of doing a job. I also believe that being open and honest from the beginning should count for you, not against you. I hope there are employers reading this out there who will be more understanding and think carefully about who they employ and also the measures that could be taken in the workplace to help those sufferers to carry on. Just because someone has a mental illness does not make them incapable of working and working well. We know that it may be difficult for DD1 to get a job in the future, especially as she wants to work with children but surely this should be an advantage - who is better situated to spot an eating disorder than someone who has suffered from one? <br />
However, just the knowledge that we can now hope for a future for DD1 that doesn't include feeding by tube, sectioning under the mental health act or death is a great boon to us and we are looking forward to that future with bright and happy hearts.psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-44505309080964727792011-09-10T11:39:00.000+01:002011-09-10T11:39:47.906+01:00busy timeHi Its been a busy couple of days and as a result I haven't had the time to post for a while so this could be a long one! I'm trying to remember the last time I wrote this and I think it was Tuesday so here goes: On Wednesday I had visitors in the shape of mum,dad and my youngest niece. I love it when I have visitors but it does mean I don't get an awful lot done! I had planned on doing some studying as I am officially back at school so I did manage ton do a bit of reading in the morning. The new chapter is about language and speech which is very interesting but also complicated by the science bit about the brain - so many technical words! Still I love studying psychology and I'm sure I'll get the hang of them. DD1 had her PPR - personal progress report this afternoon so mum and I went long to see how the staff at the red house think she is doing. It's a very disquieting process as there are often long periods of silence which you almost feel compelled to fill. As a psychology student I Know this is a recognised technique to get people to talk but it is still very strange to be on the receiving end of it! The upshot is though that she is doing well. The main thing she is learning is to ask for help when she needs it and talk about it when things are difficult. This is a really positive step and as a result she is coming home for a short visit today in preparation for a day at home next sunday. Wednesday evening I had a class which was thoroughly enjoyable. Always nice to have some time to focus on my studies and get some me time. Also essential to helping me through the depression ! on Thursday I had arranged to play golf with my dad so I got my clubs ready and headed for the golf course once I'd dropped DS2 at school. I really enjoy having something I can do with my dad and I love having some time alone with him. Dad and I have always got on really well and he is a great support if you are in trouble. He never says much but you know he's always on your side. We really enjoyed our game too! I have only been playing for just over a year so I'm sill very much a beginner but the exercise is great for the weight loss and also a help with the depression so even when nothing is going right I persevere! Dad bought me lunch as well so by the time I got home there was only half an hour to waste before the school run and that makes my day pretty much over ! Friday I had intended to get some study done but of course it didn't work out like that! For starters. My friend came over to give me a haircut and of course she stayed for a while for a chat. She is suffering from some depression herself son I gave her all the advice that has been given to me over the years!. Maybe I should listen to myself sometimes! After she had gone I needed to get the ironing done and by the time I'd finished it was school time again. So much for my studies! We had visitors planned for the evening but I had also arranged to take my sister to visit DD1 so we had a bit of a rushed dinner and I had to leave OH and DS1 to do the washing up and tidying. On arrival at the unit DD1 told me she was allowed out for a visit so that was really good news. I was so glad that my sister decided to visit. I think it is important that DD1 knows she has the support of her whole family and that the family sees that she is really trying. This illness can be so destructive to a family and certainly doesn't just affect the person who is ill. One thing I have had to learn is to accept every particle of help that is offered or you run a grave risk of the family imploding. That is certainly not a risk I am prepared to take! When we got home our friends had just arrived and we were able to enjoy a nice relaxed evening with them. We were also able to give Andy his very belated birthday present and also present him with chocolate cake!so all in all a very busy few days but hopefully things will calm down now xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-44957406453554010262011-09-07T09:47:00.000+01:002011-09-07T09:47:51.998+01:00Ups and downsYesterday my sister posted a status saying that the day promised to be one of ups and downs - how did she know?! I started off the day feeling pretty good - the depression seemed to have abated and all seemed rosy and bright. I cleared some of the rubbish out by writing my blog yesterday and was really starting to feel better about myself. Then I went to weightwatchers - ok, no big shock that I didn't lose weight, I stayed the same which was actually a bit of a bonus so I should have been pleased. But then this was the first week in a while that I've been able to stay for the meeting so everyone was asking me about DD1 and I had to recount the story over and over. Naturally I suppose, this brought me down a bit but then things got slightly ridiculous. One woman, who I really don't know well, leaned in confidentially towards me and told me she knew just how I felt. I was surprised because I didn't think she had any experience with eating disorders and I was right. Turned out she thought she knew how I felt because her grandson has excema. I mean, really???? When did anyone ever lose their life to excema??? I know it's a horrible thing to have. I know it's painful and I'm sure to this woman it seems like a disaster for her grandson and daughter. But am I being really insensitive here or was she just being incredibly stupid??? I was furious and really wanted to tell her what I thought but it wasn't exactly the time or place was it so I fumed silently and pretty much tuned her out. I managed to nod and shake my head in all the right places but I was thrilled when Heather, a much more helpful person arrived because I could turn and chat to her. When Heather asks how DD1 is, she really wants to know and because she works with people with addictions she actually does have some idea of what she's talking about. She looks out for things that might help us and gives me good advice on how to deal with the medical side of things. She also attends the same GP surgery so we could have a good chat about how wonderful our GP is and within a few minutes I felt a lot better. Heather has also had a hard time over the last two weeks with her step-father so we could sympathise with each other about how family problems sometimes intervene with weight loss and trying to stick to a diet. Thank God for Heather!<br />
I did come away feeling better but I also knew that today was weigh day for DD1 and I was concerned that she might have a melt-down when she saw what the scales had to say. so in the back of my mind I was worried about her all day. She hadn't posted anything on facebook or twitter and she hadn't texted either and this made me worried that she hadn't taken it well.<br />
I managed to get it out of my mind a little however when OH came home early and we decided that we'd go have a quick round of golf before picking up DS2 from school. I know what you're thinking - we must be mad! The wind was awful, the rain was pouring down and it wasn't really the greatest weather for golf but hey, we had a giggle and we had waterproofs so it wasn't that bad. It even cleared up a little after a while and even though we didn't finish the round, we did have fun and I got some exercise which always helps me clear my head. So by the time we were done, I was feeling much better again - part of that is being able to spend time with himself as well, he's great :)<br />
This evening myself and DS1 went to visit DD1. Again the concern for her raised it's head and I warned DS1 that she may not be at her best. I was wrong though and glad of it! She'd actually taken the weight gain really well. She was reassured by the fact that even the doctor had said it wasn't a genuine weight gain. Her body fat percentage had actually gone down and that proved it really. Her body is trying to store everything at the moment as she has starved it for so long and as a result, it's desperately trying not to get rid of anything. Seems a bit odd to give a bulimic/anorexic laxatives but as they are carefully measured and given to her at set times, it's OK and she can't abuse them in the same way she has done in the past. They are also very careful what type of laxatives they give her and are monitoring her closely which makes me thankful for the Red House all over again - if she'd been given them to take at home I can't help but think she would have abused them again to counteract the effects of eating. She also tells me that she hasn't made herself sick for a week now and that makes me very happy. She seemed much more like the old DD1 today and she already looks so much healthier that I am hopeful she will use this experience in a good way to help herself and really recover. <br />
So the day started up, went down, went up a little, went down and then went firmly back up and today I feel 10 times better than I did at the weekend. I have my routines back in place, my heart safe and my brain under control - good times!psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-32206927992205281212011-09-06T09:24:00.000+01:002011-09-06T09:24:50.608+01:00Back to schoolToday DS2 went back to school and as DD2 went back on Friday, this is the first day I've had at home by myself for quite some time. I will admit to conflicting feelings due to the bad day on Sunday and the worry that I could just sit all day, watching TV and eating myself silly so I made a plan. <br />
You know what it's like over the six weeks holiday - the house ends up looking like a bombs hit, no matter how hard you try to keep on top of it. so the plan was to get it clean and tidy at last! Ok, so doing housework might not seem like the best plan to keep depression at bay but what do you know, it is! Well, for me anyway which is somewhat surprising because it's the housework that suffers when I'm depressed and as everyone who has known me for a long time knows, I'm not naturally tidy. For some reason though, giving myself mind-numbing, boring housework to do keeps me busy and stops me dwelling on the things that keep me depressed. It also helps when you like the place you live in. For too many years I hated my home. The home I lived in which was repossessed after my divorce was a place that became associated with too many bad memories and by the end I couldn't wait to leave. However, that was tied up with worries about where I would live next - I had no home to go to until the day of the repossession itself and that left me scared at a time when depression was really at its height. The place we moved into was only temporary and although it was opposite my sister's house, it never really felt like home - just a stopgap. We then moved into a flat in an area not really known for being a wonderful place to live. It felt like a step back as the last time I'd lived in a flat was before we'd bought a place of our own and so I felt like we'd gone back in time. It wasn't really big enough for my family either and I ended up sharing a room with DS2 who was only a baby when we moved in. By the time we left he was sharing with DD2 but we still felt cramped and I couldn't really fall in love with it. The depression continued at full force for a while as well and that meant I didn't have the energy to keep it tidy, though I did always try to make sure it was clean - not as hard as I could have done however. <br />
When we finally moved in with my partner, I felt that at last I was home again - I love this house! As a result, I finally have the energy and the will to keep it clean and tidy and in fact, I've almost gone to the other extreme and consider myself to be very house-proud these days. I enjoy the process of seeing it transform from a messy lived in house to a tidy, but still lived-in home. I like it when the kitchen and bathroom sparkle. I love it when there isn't a speck of dust to be seen. I enjoy living in a home where I'm comfortable, I can keep the depression at bay and most of all, I live with my partner who I love with all my heart and who loves me in return. It's amazing what just being loved can do for a person.<br />
So, I cleaned the bathroom. I cleaned the kitchen. I did a huge pile of ironing. I tidied up the gathering pile of paperwork. I threw out rubbish. By the time it was school pick-up time, I felt so much better and the house is starting to look like I want it again. Today I plan to get the dusting and polishing done and get all the hoovering done, do some more throwing out and tidy some more and by the end of the day I'll feel like I have a home to be proud of again. Along with the cleaning comes the throwing out of the sadness and depression - spring-cleaning for the soul! And yes, I know it isn't spring but spring for me is definitely a state of mind xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-53104468593085737392011-09-05T10:22:00.000+01:002011-09-05T10:26:48.281+01:00Bad dayI must admit to having been putting off posting today. Yesterday was a bad day, not a horrendous day because I got through it, but a bad one. <br />
I woke up yesterday morning feeling sad - no particular reason why, just feeling sad. I tried hard to battle through it but ended up putting the washing out and crying while I did it. I couldn't tell you what I was crying about and despite trying to analyse my feelings, nothing particular was standing out. This is always a bad sign with me as I know I'm going to end up fighting it all day and yesterday I was going to Mum's for Sunday lunch. being with people when I feel like that is difficult to say the least. I'd done it the Saturday before and been in such a black mood that I couldn't function properly, couldn't talk to anyone and just kept my head down all day. I didn't want to do that again so had to face it and fight it. Unless you've suffered from depression, you can't really comprehend just how difficult that is.<br />
Luckily, I have people who love me around and with their help, I can sometimes beat it down a little - it's still there, hiding close under the surface though and it never takes much for the tears to start falling and the mood to start dropping so the fight is sometimes incredibly tough.<br />
I think that the difficult last few weeks had just caught up with me and my brain decided yesterday was the time to collapse. i suppose if it was going to happen, better it happened then than when I had family support than happen today when I'm home alone. I just wish it wouldn't happen at all - as I said to a friend yesterday, I wish I could just remove that part of my brain and leave it in a box somewhere until it was over it. I'm always frightened when that happens, frightened that I will slip back down into the sort of depressive state I was in a few years ago when I attempted to take my own life, frightened that I will push everyone I love away from me and frightened that I won't be able to get back up and go on again. That's why I fight it so hard I suppose. I have to keep reminding myself that things are so much better for me personally now, I have someone who loves me just the way I am, I have 4 beautiful children and ok, things aren't always great with them, but they are all fighters and even DD1 is doing her best to come back to me healthy. I have a roof over my head and food in the cupboards and even the financial situation has improved a little lately - we're never going to be rich, but at least we can survive!<br />
Maybe though, that's the reason I can allow the black mood to dump on me now and then - the support I now have is so fantastic and I have learnt that I can tell my family how I'm feeling and they will love me anyway. I remind myself that I am worth something, that I am loved, that I am attractive to someone I love, that I am lucky in so many ways. I just have to convince illogical brain of all that! I also remind myself that everyone has days when they feel rubbish, everyone doubts their own self-worth at times and everyone feels unloved occasionally - I'm not alone. I've joked in the past that I need a sign I can hang on myself that says 'leave me alone' on one side and 'cheer me up please' on the other. Yesterday, cheer me up was the way to go and that's a better time. Those days when it would say leave me alone are the worst because that's not what I really want. I really want to be happy, I really want to enjoy myself and I really want to be cheered up but sometimes the brain takes that the wrong way. It takes the cheering up as saying that my feelings aren't worth it, that I'm not allowed to be sad and that's when cheering me up has the opposite effect - I end up hating myself for being that way and angry with those trying to make me feel better - it's not logical, it's not even rational and I know that deep down. When I'm feeling more normal, I know it even more and then I'm ashamed of the black mood, ashamed of my own self-pity. So how do I get out of it?<br />
I have a couple of ways that I describe it:<br />
One way is to look at the memories and corners of my brain as an attic filled with boxes. Some of the boxes have been opened, tidied and emptied and they're out there in public. But some of the boxes are filled with memories I can't face or emotions I don't want to express and they are tightly shut, wrapped in bubble wrap, tied up with string and taped all over so I can't get in to them easily. Gradually, I'm opening those boxes a bit at a time, giving myself space to let them out but I'm not there yet.<br />
The other way is that when I'm that depressed, in that black mood - it's like being in a bog, firmly stuck but able to move just a little. I know that if I move a bit, I can loosen it and climb out but it's tiring, exhausting and sometimes just the effort required to try is too much.<br />
I wish I could tell my family how to deal with me at those times, but I often resent them dealing with me in the way I've asked. Illogical and irrational brain takes control and nothing anyone does is right. I'm not entirely sure what to do about it! All I can ask is that they bear with me, give me strength just by being there and respond in whatever way seems appropriate to them, just carry on loving me. That's all I've ever asked and so far that's what they've done - they're wonderful - all of them xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0United Kingdom55.378051 -3.43597336.641164 -43.8656605 74.114938 36.9937145tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-82076384507414979672011-09-04T19:10:00.000+01:002011-09-04T19:10:33.188+01:00Football and a visitThis is a late post as it is now Sunday evening, but I really didn't have time to write this morning! So if this entry is a bit disjointed, please forgive me and look for better (or worse) tomorrow!<br />
Yesterday was DS2's 6th birthday and so we started the day with breakfast and presents - just a little something from me and OH as his main present was his bike which I'd bought for him during the week. I couldn't see him with nothing to open on his actual birthday though so I picked him up a football lunch box and cup so he had something to unwrap - he was very pleased with it :) DS1 had been out and bought him a fireman sam venus as the original present he had ordered hadn't arrived in time so would you believe it, what turned up in the post?! We ended up giving him the venus from DD1 as she hadn't been able to get him anything before entering the unit. Not that DS2 cared, he just wanted presents lol<br />
After breakfast it was time to go to football training which DS2 thoroughly enjoys, he has a couple of friends who also go and he always has a good time - he couldn't wait to show off his birthday badge! Funny moment occured when the coach asked the kids to stand up if they had a birthday that day - he knew of one child but wasn't expecting DS2 and another child to also stand up!! He had intended to give the trophy to the one child he knew about and was left with quite the dilemma, not to mention asking all the children to sing happy birthday three times!!! Eventually it was decided that as one child was on his first training session and DS2 had had the trophy only recently that the original birthday boy should have it, but it did make me chuckle a little.<br />
After training and lunch we went off to visit DD1, dropping OH at the golf course along the way. I was a little bit apprehensive as I knew she'd been having a tough time and I was right to be. Despite the fact that she already looks a little healthier, she was very down about how much she had been eating and how bloated it was making her feel. She is also suffering from some constipation which is a natural result of the messing about her body has been through, but also doesn't help with the bloating feeling. One piece of good news is that her potassium levels are now back up to normal so she no longer needs to take the Sando-K, but her red blood cell count is low so she needs iron to help with the aneamia (spelt right? who knows!). I think she feels that it is one thing after another whereas I feel thankful that she is under such good medical care that anything she needs is almost instantly provided. I came away feeling a little down about her though, worried and frustrated. neither of us expected this to be easy but having made such a good start, I think I was hoping it would carry on that way and that she would be able to silence the eating disorder brain. Of course, logically, it isn't going to be that simple and she will get there eventually.<br />
The boredom of the weekend was getting to her as well, but that is to be expected also. Some of the girls are able to go home now for short periods and she isn't and it left her feeling a little isolated and a bit blue. Hopefully that will stop once the weekend is over though and she will have more to occupy her mind and her time.<br />
I am reading a book lent to me by my father at the moment about a lady who suffered from compulsive over-eating for many years. I think that he hoped it would give me an insight into DD1's head, but almost every line I read seems to be more aimed at my own brain. I have been overweight for many years but had managed to lose almost 3.5stone over the past few months. Just lately though, the binge brain has returned and I have to admit to struggling a bit to control it. The lady in the book says that she used her binges to bury the feelings she should have had - feelings that she couldn't cope with or feelings that seemed to strong to be real. I think this applies directly to me at least, but also to DD1 in the opposite way - I overeat when I'm bored, need comfort or am scared. DD1 prevents herself from eating or binges and makes herself sick in the same way - we're two sides of a coin in a lot of ways and it made me think that perhaps part of her illness is my fault. For years she has seen me use food to suppress emotion so maybe that's why her eating disorder seemed like the right way to go when her feelings were so huge and she was unable to cope with them.<br />
Logically, I know that that probably isn't the truth and possibly doesn't even make sense and probably I'm beating myself up over it when I don't need to - but that was the idea of this blog - to get some of those feelings out of my head. Feel free to tell me what you think on this one! I would like to know.<br />
Enough for now as I will go back to writing this in the morning and possibly by then I will be in a better frame of mind to consider my mood of today so signing out xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-41482343989389386732011-09-03T08:22:00.000+01:002011-09-03T08:22:42.938+01:00A quiet dayThat's it really, just a quiet day on the whole! DD2 went back to school so she went off with OH bright and early with that truly teenagerish look on her face - not a real one though, she was actually looking forward to going back! Sometimes 6 weeks of school holidays can feel like a lifetime. DS1 went off to work as well so that left me and DS2 to enjoy the day by ourselves.<br />
We decided to go and get the shopping first, so we headed out for a while and did that then DS2 spent the day in the garden on his bike while I pottered around tidying and watching daytime TV - hey, even I have my guilty pleasures :)<br />
Friends popped round with a card and small gift for DS2 which he was very pleased about. Nice to see someone this week! What with all the kerfuffle of the last fortnight, I hadn't had time or energy for socialising much.<br />
Then I got a surprising text message suggesting a meal out in Cosmos with my sister and her family - well who could refuse! It is the best chinese restaurant in Medway :) There was one small issue though, me and the kids had haircuts booked with a friend who comes to the house and she wasn't due here until 4.30. DS2's hair took quite a long time as she was having a complete restyle so having said we'd meet at the restaurant at 6, we ended up moving it to 6.30. DS2 had his hair done and I've arranged to get mine done during the week instead.<br />
The meal was important to me, much more so than getting my hair done as I do feel that bridges needed a few minor repairs with my sister and this was a good opportunity to do it. Sometimes family is the one thing you need and sometimes it's the one thing you reject - even when you don't mean to. Sometimes we're harder on our families than we are on anyone else, simply I think, because we expect so much more from them. I'm just glad that whatever problems we have, we know we can rely on each other for support and that even when we do have some communication problems, we can get them sorted out. <br />
Just a short entry today as it is DS2's birthday and we have a busy day planned - heading out to football practice this morning and then a visit to DD1 this afternoon. I know she had a tough time yesterday so lots of hugs and cheering up required - of that I'm certain!<br />
Signing out xpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-23256397013951054292011-09-02T09:35:00.000+01:002011-09-02T09:35:20.246+01:00Visit with hopeYesterday I woke up with a headache - don't you just hate it when that happens? Everything seems loud and intrusive, you take the pain killers but know its one of those headaches that's going to be with you all day long - and it was! Most of the time it was bearable but when you have an over-excited, hyped up 18 year old boy who is off to visit his new girlfriend around - it's painful :/<div>I decided the best way to deal with it was just to get on with stuff so I got the ironing board set up and tackled the pile - not too large a one this time, but enough to keep me busy for an hour or so. Then got on with the rest of the housework, washing up etc... which kept me going until lunchtime.</div><div>That's when my brother-in-law and two nieces arrived. The girls are 5 and 3 so perfect playmates for DS2 who couldn't wait to show off his new bike! He even said he might let them ride on it - so generous! The girls are generally well-behaved but the youngest can be a bit of a pickle and yesterday was obviously one of those days! She'd gone upstairs to play while the other two were still outside and after a while they went up to join her. Next thing we know, DS2 came down to tell us she'd been playing with DD2's nail varnish - horror! Fortunately she'd only painted her nails and nothing cherished or fragile but still. Removal of nail varnish and open window to get rid of that awful pear drops stink. She'd also had a little accident, common in 3 year olds, and so was sat on the stairs for a while.</div><div>All was fine until brother-in-law set off to pick up my sister from a lunch out with a friend. He left the girls here and I got on with some other stuff while he was gone. During that time, little minx must have crept by me and gone back upstairs taking her shoes with her so I wouldn't realise. Just as Mum and Dad arrived she came down covered in something red - here we go again! It seems she'd found a little ink pad and decided to decorate herself and the bed sheets with it - shades of DD1 all over again! (For those who don't know, DD1 once decorated a set of brand new white sheets with a make-up picture of a house, trees and mummy). Well that was that for the young madam, no more playing upstairs laid down with a very firm hand.</div><div>After dinner, I set off to see DD1. I must admit, I was pretty nervous. Last time I'd seen her she'd been crying and the next few facebook statuses mentioned how much she wanted to come home so I was worried that I'd find her in tears and begging to be let out. There were two visitors in front of me at the door being turned away as their young lady had decided not to see them and that made me more nervous. I was fully expecting to be told either to go away or find her in a state and was so glad that neither of those things happened. I was also worried that our visit would be in a public place with people wandering in and out and that didn't happen either. One of the other girls made sure we had a private room and we weren't disturbed at all. We had a long chat about what things were like for her there and I came away feeling so much better as she seems to be looking at the whole thing in a very positive light. Already, her head is screaming a bit less and she's really trying hard to eat all the meals she's given and drink the pints of milk. She told me very proudly how she hasn't purged for 24 hours and I was able to believe her which was wonderful. Until you live with someone with an eating disorder, you don't realise just how destructive the lies are. To not be able to trust someone you love, believe any word that comes out of their mouth is heart-breaking so it was good to see the truth literally shining from her. You kind of expect gloom and doom in a place like that, but instead we had love, caring, kindness and laughter.</div><div>She told me all about the medical assessment. The doctors had tested her blood and done an ecg as expected but they also checked all her reflexes and blood pressure and, for some reason that I have yet to discover, also asked her to raise her eyebrows - anyone know why???? I'm sure it tests something vital - neural pathways perhaps? Anyway, that was something she struggled with! Apparently she couldn't do it without giggling which meant it didn't work or by looking up to the ceiling. Hmmm I bet while you're reading this you're trying to raise your eyebrows aren't you!</div><div>She was able to give me an information booklet which tells me all about the unit, what is expected of her while there and gives me a schedule of her day. I was worried that I was expected to visit every day but it seems that isn't the norm at all - visitors turned up much more sporadically, in fact, I was the only visitor last night so now I feel less guilty about not being able to go every day.</div><div>There are six beds in the unit and they also have four intensive day patient places so all in all, just 10 patients at a time. At the moment, they only have 5 girls staying as one left the day DD1 arrived. It's such a shame that they don't have room for more as there are so many sufferers out there.</div><div>Each girl has contact with an occupational therapist, nurses and healthcare workers and each girl has her own personal member of staff who they can go to for one-to-one therapy. DD1 is getting on very well with her staff member and that pleased me, it's much easier to talk to someone about difficult things if you connect with them so it seems she will be able to do that - or as I call it, get some of the gunk out of her head!</div><div>The day plan goes as follows - breakfast at 8am which they must get up for. I knew this would be the hardest meal for DD1 as she hasn't eaten breakfast for many years and I was right - she's struggling quite a lot with this one, especially as she is expected to eat cereal and toast as well as have a glass of milk. To her, that is an enormous amount of food! After breakfast the girls have a time of reflection where they can talk about any thoughts/anxieties/issues/worries that they have experienced before, during and after the meal.</div><div>After breakfast they have a rest period in the day room where they are discouraged from using the toilet, smoking or using mobile phones - this is to ensure that they don't purge themselves of the food they've eaten and gives them time to reflect quietly on the meal they've just eaten and how they feel about it. They then get half an hour of free time which DD1 tells me she is using as an extension of rest time for now to try and keep up the policy we had at home of living an hour at a time - a policy she has told the staff and girls about and has been adopted - yay me, I got something right!</div><div>They then have a group session which is followed by the morning snack. DD1 at the moment is having milk for her snack and she really doesn't enjoy that! She feels quite bloated at the moment and that is due to the fluid that she holds but she is also aware that that feeling is either fake or a natural result of her stomach trying to take in more food than it is used to - we talked about the fact that she has shrunk her stomach and now needs to stretch it a little. She's on quarter meals at the moment which are smaller than the ones she's used to eating at home, the difference being there are more of them and also she is fighting not to purge them as she would if at home.</div><div>All meals and snacks are followed by rest time and then either a group or free session and pudding is treated as a separate thing so they have reflection after the meal and again after pudding. I suggested that when she does come home that we try and keep up that practice for a while so that her introduction back to home is more gentle and she knows that she has the same support at home as she does in the unit.</div><div>The girls are encouraged to stay downstairs all day and their rooms are locked for this purpose. Completely the opposite at night, they are expected to leave their bedroom doors slightly ajar so that the staff can check on them. The whole staff ethic is to be calm, caring and kind but the girls are fully aware that they are being watched all the time and that includes at meals and when they want to be most private.</div><div>The Occupational therapy is carefully structured with the aim not only of curing the most immediate needs of food and eating but also to work on long-term goals. the girls get sessions in the kitchen once they are past the re-feeding sessions where they can learn about portion sizes, planning meals and maintaining weight. They also get to look at their lives after the unit, work, volunteering, college and social activities. </div><div>The unit also offers family therapy which is something I am really interested in as I really want to help my daughter and give her strength to carry on with recovery when she leaves the unit. I also think this will be important for DD2 who has probably been affected much more than we realise by DD1's illness. I think DD2 could easily fall into the same trap as the rest of the family and not talk about problems or how things make her feel so I really want this family therapy for her, to help her realise it is ok to be angry, ok to be frustrated and ok to cry when you're feeling hurt or betrayed. The unit also runs a monthly carer's support group which I aim to go to if possible - the timing is a little awkward but I will do my best to get there - once a month should be doable!</div><div>Anyway that's given you all the update on how an eating disorder unit works so I am going to leave it here for today. Keep reading tomorrow!</div>psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-23158502252101503262011-09-01T08:29:00.000+01:002011-09-01T08:30:45.108+01:00Birthday timeDay 3 of my blog and we're leaving DD1 where she is for now - going to visit her tonight and thoroughly looking forward to seeing her!<br />
So, yesterday because I seem to have developed the habit of blogging in the morning the day after the news I'm blogging!!! The plan was to go and get DS2's birthday present so we headed off in the direction of Lakeside to get one small boy a bike. We'd been told about this place where they tailor the bike to the child and give lots of help in making sure the size is perfect and we were told right. In a very short space of time we had a red bike with a red helmet, fitted with stabilisers, a bell and lights and all for less than £100 - amazing! The service was excellent and I would highly recommend Decathlon for anyone buying a first bike for their child. I also got DD2 some trainers for school so that's that one sorted. Still have to buy a few bits for DS2 but he's got enough to begin year one on Monday so that's a start. The rest of the day was pretty quiet as far as I was concerned as the two youngest of my children went off bike riding down the park and in the garden, in fact I'm pretty certain DS2 was biking for the majority of the day! DS1 was out at work so I could actually put on some tv that I wanted to watch for a change and just get on with the washing and tidying as and when I felt like it!!!<br />
I did have one phone call that made me want to scream though. When we left our previous home and moved in here I ended all sorts of bills (just to make new ones of course) including the phone bill with British Telecom. I had several talks with them at the time and was told quite clearly that the account was clear and there would be nothing left to pay. Despite that, I gave a forwarding address and asked that any further bills be sent there just in case. I've lived here for 18 months now and in that time I've received nothing from BT - not a sausage. So, completely out of the blue comes a letter from a debt agency telling me I owe BT £52.88 - major shock! I phoned them straight away and queried it and was basically told I was stupid for not expecting something - well would you? 18 months? and having been told the account was clear??? Why is it that people like that feel the need to be so rude? I'd never been in debt to BT ever, why would I suddenly decide to ignore a bill now? Being me, I ended up shaking like a leaf and close to tears which seems pretty silly for a bill of only £52.88 I know, but my financial situation isn't great and it sometimes feels that every time things might get better, something like this pops up and I have to fight all over again. I know the mood of the last few days might be affecting my judgement but still, I'm tired of it - fed up with financial woes! I've left it for now but will ring them in a few days to make a payment arrangement with them as there is no way I can pay the whole lot in one go without leaving myself with real problems - half now and half later ought to satisfy them I hope!<br />
So, feeling somewhat better about things this morning, despite a headache the minute I opened my eyes, I'm having my nieces round to play. Will make this entry a short one and write more tomorrow morningpsychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-36795565341196926172011-08-31T08:44:00.000+01:002011-08-31T08:44:22.935+01:00Tough LoveI was going to add to this blog last night, giving the days events but it was just too tough yesterday. So I decided to leave it until this morning.<div>Ironic times! I had to go to weightwatchers before we could do anything else and as it had been a tough week, I wasn't really expecting much - a gain of 3.5lb was not a big surprise but I think everyone understood just why I'd been eating myself stupid for a week! That out of the way however, we then went straight to the Red House. The journey was quiet - deathly quiet, it seemed that no-one really knew what to say to my poor DD. When we got there, the other two gave her a kiss and a hug and wished her good luck but they were all very subdued. Even 5 year old DS2 was quiet - most unusual!</div><div>We went to the door and had to ring twice before we were admitted which didn't help the nerves! When we got in we were greeted by Sarah who seemed very nice - she led us into the dining room and we both sat and read the poem one of the residents had written and posted on the door. It wasn't great poetry but was very simple and stated some truths that perhaps we needed to read at that moment. We were then spoken to by one of the nurses. She suggested that I might want to leave then and there but no way! I needed to hear a little bit about the routine and ask when visiting hours were, see where DD was going to be living before I could just leave her there so I stayed.</div><div>So we had a look at the routine - 3 meals and 3 snacks a day, carefully timed and measured out. She'll be starting off on quarter sized meals and by now will have had her breakfast - something she hasn't had for years! I have a feeling that is going to be the hardest meal for her. After each meal they have a time for reflection where each of the girls gets to say how they felt about that meal, whether it scared them just coming in the room for it or whether it was the food itself that was scary so the counselling session begins immediately. </div><div>DD was told that she will be what is called an 'informal patient' which effectively means she is there by her own volition and can leave whenever she wants. However, she will be encouraged to stay if the staff don't feel she is well enough to leave and could even be sectioned if they feel she isn't being rational or is much too ill. That's a scary enough thought that I hope it encourages her to see the program through.</div><div>We were shown around the house which is lovely, very welcoming and with lots of teenage mess around! The girls were all introduced to her, except one who wasn't with the others at the time - she made a huge effort to introduce herself and was very welcoming - I like that girl! I really liked the atmosphere and there seems to be a good sense of camaraderie amongst the girls and the staff which was very encouraging. Hopefully she will make friends and use them for the support she needs.</div><div>Her room is lovely, a corner room with two windows so lots of light and air. It had no curtains as they were being ironed in preparation for her, this made it seem very welcoming as they were going to an effort to make it nice for her. It is bigger than her room at home and she has lots of space for clothes and personal belongings so that is good.</div><div>We were told that she would be weighed once a week and have blood tests daily. Also ECG's on a regular basis so that reassured me that her physical health will be looked after. She was told all about the counselling sessions which include group and personal sessions so that's her mental health being helped at last!!! I could see how panicky she was getting listening to all this though and that's the bit that worries me. I know eventually she will look back on this and be grateful for it because it will help her but I also know how much she hates it right now. Tough love really hurts sometimes.</div><div>After we'd been shown round, it was suggested strongly that I should now leave - that was the really hard bit. I knew it was best that I get out of there and let them start helping her, but that was when she began to cry and as much as I held her, it wasn't going to be enough. I still had to leave. My tears began the minute the door shut behind me and getting in that car was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. It was like the first day at school when your child is crying and begging you not to go and you have no choice - you know they'll be ok, but you hate the thought of not being there to give them comfort and support.</div><div>So, I phoned mum and said I needed her. She came of course, she always does and brought Dad with her. When they arrived they found they needed to comfort two of us as DD2 was also very upset. I think it is easy to forget sometimes how this has affected her as well. She's had to live with it too and it does rebound on her sometimes as well - she knows that her eating habits are carefully watched as well as none of us wants to do this again but perhaps that isn't fair. For her anyway, when she knows that she eats properly, it must be hard to have even the slightest suspicion because of her sister.</div><div>The way that an eating disorder impacts on the whole family isn't always realised. The sufferer themselves may get the help they need but who helps the family? And there is always a gap between the start of the illness and the time when the help gets there and that is the time the family suffers most. We have done our best to help her, tried our hardest but we have always felt that we were failing her in some way and the only thing we want to do is see her get better. We want the girl back that we used to know, the one who was so loving and kind, so happy and friendly, sociable and sweet - she might have had the odd tantrum now and then but hey, i'd even put up with those!</div><div>I think what gets me most is the lack of units like the Red House - how can you help sufferers properly when there is one 6 bed unit to serve the whole of Kent? It's ridiculous. If I was the campaigning type, I'd be up at 10 Downing Street right now giving Mr Cameron a piece of my mind. If my child had cancer, there would be instant help. If she had a drug addiction, there would be help. Why no help for an eating disorder? it's just as destructive, can be terminal and affects the whole family in exactly the same way. </div><div>We've been lucky in a way, it might have taken 3 years to get here, but at least we're here. But for every daughter in the red house, there are at least 10 more in the local area on the waiting list and probably another 100 who haven't even heard of the place.</div><div>Anyway, having digressed completely! I spent the rest of the day after Mum and Dad left quietly, pottering around and just trying to keep from worrying about DD1. Today we're off to buy a young man a bike for his birthday at the weekend so I am just going to try and keep busy and keep her in my thoughts and prayers. I ask all reading this to do the same x</div>psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8019851540121815622.post-1065584702789138072011-08-30T09:31:00.000+01:002011-08-30T09:31:09.964+01:00Today's the dayWell here it is. My first blog post in a proper blog form! I decided to start this so that my daughter can keep up with what's happening at home while she's away from us. You see, my daughter has an eating disorder and today she is going to begin in-patient treatment which will hopefully lead her on to recovery. This has been a long awaited event and my feelings are incredibly mixed. But I think I'd better begin with a background...<br />
DD1 was born when I was not quite 18 and was very much wanted and very much loved. She was a beautiful baby with blond hair and blue eyes and she's still beautiful now, 21 years later. 2 years later DS1 arrived, followed by DD2 6 years later and DS2 8 years after that. Until DD1 was 16, things seemed to be going ok. We'd had some pretty major family disasters which I shall no doubt blog about over the course of time but she seemed healthy and well and pretty stable. Then we found out that her father had been sexually abusing her over the past 5 years. I did, what to me seemed pretty much the best thing to do, called my mum and from there we called the NSPCC and the police and set the wheels in motion. Father went to prison and daughter would now be ok - or so you'd think anyway. Isn't that how it's supposed to work? <br />
We knew she needed counselling of course and the NSPCC were happy to provide it for her. Unfortunately, the law and the court system being what it is, she couldn't have it until the court case was finished with - that took a year. That year was way too long for her, way too long for everyone involved. By the time we got there, it was too late really - she was too old for a child counsellor and too wrapped up in being a teenager to open up to a complete stranger about stuff she just wanted to forget. Result - useless, waste of time. We tried to convince her that she could try a different counsellor but she didn't want to know and by this time she was heading for 18 and adulthood - feeling independent and grown up, ready to leave childhood behind her.<br />
Around this time she headed off on a school trip to New York. She was pretty overweight at this point, just like her mum and unhappy about it but determined to do something when she got home. Unfortunately, while there, she shared a room with an anorexic girl and found a way that she thought would be wonderful - quick and effective. Little did she know that this would lead to a great deal of pain, hospital visits and inpatient treatment 3 years later. So her journey into anorexia began and for a year, she successfully hid it from all her family - as close as we are, we just didn't see. Now of course, it's easy to look back and see the signs - always claiming she'd eaten while at school or while out with friends. The bag that she carried permanently - easy to put food into when we weren't looking. The frequent trips to the loo to flush it away. And, of course, the dramatic weight loss. Looking back, I can't believe that I was stupid enough to think she was doing the weight loss programme sensibly - who loses that much weight in 3 months?! I think we blind ourselves to what we don't want to see, always happy to tell ourselves that things are ok even when it's blatantly obvious they aren't. When other things are going on in our lives, we get caught up in them and I have to say, life was pretty bad for me personally at that point. Heading full tilt into serious depression myself, I had little time for the problems of others, including my own family - that's not an excuse, just a reason I suppose.<br />
DD passed her A-levels and decided to take a gap year before heading to university to study social work. During that year, with the compensation money she had from Victim Support, she decided to go to Australia and stay with my Aunt and Uncle, work out there and enjoy a new culture and get some life experience. It was decided that I would go with her for two weeks and have a holiday, settle her in and leave her there. I will admit - it scared me stupid but I was determined to enjoy the experience and have a once in a lifetime opportunity to go to the other side of the world, meet the cousins I hadn't seen since they were small children and the aunt I had adored as a child. It should have been wonderful. It should have been amazing. It wasn't.<br />
Within a few days it had become clear that DD wasn't well, that she wasn't eating much and that what she did eat was being purged on a regular basis. A humungous row ensued after I read her diary and discovered the truth - that she had a serious eating disorder. And yes, I know what you're thinking - I read her diary. No, I shouldn't have done. yes, it was wrong - an invasion of her privacy that should never have occured. But there's a big part of me that knows that a. she left it purposely for me to read, her subconcious wanted me to know and b. what would have happened if I hadn't? so I do regret it, but I also don't.<br />
The decision was made that instead of staying, she would come home but she couldn't get a flight with me so I still had to leave her there for a week. That journey home alone was awful. I wondered how she would cope, how bad things would get and what would happen after she got home. I had no clue how to deal with it, what to do to help her, how to make her better.<br />
With the abuse, the answer had seemed obvious to me - get help from the police and the NSPCC. With this? Where did I go?<br />
when I got home, I cried buckets with my mum - the biggest support in the world and we got on the internet and found where we could go for help. We found Beat - Beat Eating Disorders helpline and group and discovered that they had a group we could go to twice a month for help and support. That seems to me the best thing we ever did because there we found girls who suffered in the same way. We found group leaders who didn't allow her to just carry on. We got advice on how to cope and what our next step should be and for the next year we worked hard to try and beat it on our own. By the end of that year, her weight was back to normal limits and she went off to uni doing well - she hadn't beaten it but she was trying hard. Unfortunately, that may have been a mistake as she didn't really have it beaten, she'd just found different ways to hide it and new ways to carry on. Uni was hard for her, she struggled in her classes and with her assignments because she wasn't feeding her brain. After the first year, she found she'd failed it and had to repeat it. That sent her into a tailspin and when she went back, I was worried. Terrified that she wasn't going to cope and that the year would end the same way or possibly worse. ~Within a few months I was looking at photos of her that said my fears were going to be realised and while I tried to encourage and support her, I was just too far away to really help. <br />
Then, she came home. When I got her here, she was so fragile that I was scared to hug her, scared that she might actually break in two if I touched her. She'd lost so much weight again and it was obvious to all of us that the eating disorder was completely in control again. So I sent her to the doctor - useless man! He told her she wasn't ill enough to be suffering from an eating disorder. That her BMI wasn't low enough. That she was just looking for attention. She'd been so brave going to him for help and he belittled it. By this point I was strong enough to not take no for an answer though. My first reaction was NO! go back and this time ask to see a female GP. She did this and we found the best doctor in the world. This time, I went with her and finally someone listened. Finally someone helped and we got an appointment with the psychiactric team. they helped her get the referral to the eating disorder specialists and we finally felt we were getting somewhere.<br />
while we waited for this, DD was having regular blood tests and staying with her grandma every so often to give us both a break from the emotional highs and lows that go with an eating disorder and one night I got a phone call from the doctors. They asked for her and when I told them she wasn't there I could hear the uncertainty in his voice - should he tell me or should he wait. He obviously took a look at the results again and decided it was vital that I know so he told me - her potassium levels were low and I should get her to the hospital for an ECG asap. I ran. I got in the car and drove the 40 miles to pick her up and got her to the hospital. that has to have been one of the worst drives of my life. I was terrified she would have a heart attack before I got there, that she would be lying there dead or seriously ill. That I'd be too late. The rain was pouring down so hard I could barely see a foot in front of me so I had to drive carefully - against all my instincts which were telling me I had to drive fast, get there quickly.<br />
Fortunately, I got there in one piece and got her to the hospital and they helped her. They gave her potassium via IV and after three days she was well enough to go home. Unfortunately, she then had a major panic as all the fluid meant she's put on 10lb. Can you imagine how that feels to an eating disorder? Over the next three weeks she lost weight dramatically - ending up so thin, it was painful to see. Once again, I was scared stiff. Then we had the appointment with the eating disorder clinic and they agreed that she needed help - they offered intensive day treatment but warned there was a waiting list. We waited for the letter and were told that it would be 3-4 months. That was ok. Not great, but ok. They asked the doctor to keep an eye on her in the meantime and asked for regular blood tests and ecgs to make sure she didn't get very sick again. Unfortunately, it was too late and her first set after that revealed that her potassium had dropped very low again. The doctor tried using Sando-K to get it back up but it wasn't working and so we ended up back at the hospital - our local one this time. They really helped - we've been very lucky with the health professionals we've seen! They gave her the IV potassium again but they also asked her to fill in a food diary and they got in touch with the clinic to see if they could speed things up for her. It worked! As a result of that, she enters the Red House today as an inpatient and I am so relieved, so desperately relieved - finally, she's going to get some help! I don't know how things will go from here and that makes me worried, I know how much she hates the thought of it, so that makes me sympathetic and fearful for her. But overall, my feeling is relief.<br />
Enough for now, later I'll let you know how she gets on!psychomumhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10220102562842541573noreply@blogger.com1